You're Not Who You Were. And That's Okay: Self-Compassion as You Grow Older

You’re sitting in your car, keys in the ignition, but you’re not ready to start the engine. You just left a family gathering. Nothing awful happened. No one raised their voice. But you feel drained, raw, on the edge of tears, and you don’t quite know why.

You think back to your younger years and wonder, Was I always this sensitive?

I’ve heard some women say to me, “I feel more sensitive in my older age than when I was in my 20s and 30s.”

Maybe that’s true for you, too.

Your needs have shifted. Your energy is different. You’re more aware of the toll things take on you. And here’s the important part: That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.

You are different now than you were then. And that’s okay.

What helped you survive or thrive in earlier seasons of life may not be what helps you now. The old habits, like overcommitting, staying quiet to keep the peace, pushing your feelings aside, don’t feel sustainable anymore. The cost is too high.

For many women, it’s easy to show compassion to others. You’re the one making sure everyone else is comfortable, cared for, and supported. But maybe it’s time to turn some of that compassion inward.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the act of being kind to yourself when you’re struggling. It’s not self-pity. It’s not making excuses. It’s recognizing your own humanity.

According to researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves three key parts:

● Mindfulness: Noticing your pain or difficulty without judging it.

● Common humanity: Reminding yourself that you’re not alone.      

   Everyone struggles sometimes.

● Self-kindness: Offering yourself warmth and understanding instead of 

   criticism.

Here’s what that can look like in real life:

Instead of saying, “Why can’t I just handle this?”

You say, “This is really hard. I’m doing the best I can.”

Instead of beating yourself up for needing rest,

You say, “I’ve been pushing myself. It makes sense that I’m tired.”

Instead of comparing yourself to others,

You say, “Everyone’s journey is different. I’m allowed to grow at my own pace.”

What Is High-Quality Self-Care?

Not all self-care is created equal. A bubble bath is nice, but self-care also means giving your nervous system and your soul what they actually need.

High-quality self-care is less about checking off a list and more about checking in with yourself.

Here are some examples that range from simple to more involved:

Simple, everyday care:

● Drinking water before your body begs for it.

● Taking a short walk when you feel anxious.

● Saying no to an invitation when you’re already stretched thin.

Intentional emotional care:

● Journaling about what you’re feeling instead of pushing it down.

● Reaching out to a trusted friend just to say, “I could use someone to 

   talk to.”

● Letting yourself cry without needing a reason.

Long-term self-care:

● Setting up regular therapy sessions.

● Taking steps to address health concerns you may have been ignoring, 

   like making an appointment with a health care professional or 

   following through with advice you've received to transform your 

   health.

● Taking a weekend to rest, even if that means disappointing someone 

   else.

You don’t need to “earn” rest. You don’t need to explain why you need space. You are allowed to take care of yourself simply because you are human.

Setting Healthy Limits

Self-compassion can also mean needing to set healthy boundaries.

Setting healthy limits doesn’t make you mean. It makes you clear. It makes you honest. It honors both your needs and the needs of those around you.

This requires assertiveness: the ability to speak up in a way that’s both direct and respectful. It’s not aggressive or passive. It’s a balanced middle ground.

Let’s talk about a few ways to practice assertive communication:

● “Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to stay in tonight.”

● “I can’t take that on right now.”

● “I need a little time to think about it. I’ll let you know.”

● “I want to be there for you, but I also need to take care of myself. Can 

     we find a balance?”

● “I’ve noticed I feel overwhelmed when we talk about this every day. 

     Let’s set a limit.”

● “When you raise your voice, I shut down. Can we talk about this 

    calmly?”

● “I feel hurt when my needs are brushed aside. I need to know this 

    relationship is mutual.”

● “I’ve spent years putting everyone else first. I’m learning to prioritize 

    my own wellbeing now.”

● “This dynamic isn’t working for me anymore. I want to find a 

     healthier way to move forward.”

Boundaries can be uncomfortable at first. You might worry about how others will respond. But over time, you’ll build confidence. And the people who truly care about you will adjust.

Because You Deserve Compassion, Too

Your needs have changed. Your body, your emotions, your relationships, they’ve all evolved. That’s not a failure. That’s life.

It’s okay to need more quiet. More space. More support.

It’s okay to feel more sensitive. It means you’re listening to yourself.

It's okay to want a life where you receive the same support and care you've been giving to others for so long.

Self-compassion means letting go of the belief that you must always be the one holding everything together.

You’ve shown up for so many others.

Now, it’s time to show up for yourself.

If you’d like someone to talk to about self-compassion and your changing needs, schedule a consultation. I’d love to support you.